god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
