hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
