No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
