I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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