I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
