i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
