Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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