Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
