Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
