Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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