I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
