i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
