So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
