I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
