Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
