We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
