I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I am naked and annoyed.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
