Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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