i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
God I need to hump something, right now.
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