Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
