Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
