I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
