If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
