Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
