Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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