I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
