dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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