i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
