just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
