I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
