god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
