Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I did not marry a roomba.
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