He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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