I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
