So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
