frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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