She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
