Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
