I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
