fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
