i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
