Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
