I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
