hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
