Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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