dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
nutella sex= disaster
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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