Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
