he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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