By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I will pee on everything he values.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
