Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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