im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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