I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
